denying my denial

it snuck up on me
this crush
i'd blamed the bubbly giddy laughter
on long work days and little sleep
blamed the animated phone conversations
on too much coffee
blamed the tripping over my words
on having too much to do
excused my probing questions
as being normal for an inquisitive blogger type
but then i did the math
while he was describing his camping trips
and how his interest in gourmet cooking began
23 years ago at age 14
i found myself doing the math
and that's when I knew
the moment i slid that 37 right up next to my 51 years
and gasped at the age difference
i knew i had a crush
a sweet little flickering flame
licking at my heart
filling me with both
dread and desire
and also what i'd asked for
in the depths of my secret soul
a measure of joy and wonder
insensible imaginings and
a sudden loss of balance
unfamiliar to my sturdy self
as if i'd looked down and found a pair of sequined
high heeled shoes glittering brightly on my feet
trembling on the thin tightrope miles above earth
and no safety net in sight